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Love Testimony

I Was Always Wanted

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One of my greatest fears seemed to play an important role in my testimony. It always had a way of controlling my life and emotions. Meet my greatest fear named Rejection.

The thing about rejection is that it is actually a rejection of God’s truth. Rejection always had me convinced that I was unloved and unwanted. Rejection had me convinced that I would never be enough. I have felt rejected by several people in my life – more than I can count on my fingers and toes combined. Rejection has taught me a lot about myself and who I want to be.

In the beginning, rejection appeared when I did not receive the love that a daughter should receive from her father. I was always the, “I will love her when it is convenient for me” kind of girl. I never knew what it was like to be loved unconditionally, because I always received love halfway. I was always pushed to the side. I lacked attention and always felt nonexistent. More importantly, I felt invisible when it came to my relationship with my father.

My father always said that he didn’t want another kid – but here I am. He never believed in my dreams and always discouraged me from doing the things that I was passionate about. I would receive his hugs under the force of my mother’s command. He was always too busy for me. He always seemed to have an excuse to never come to a dance recital – sometimes he would show up to compare me with every other dancer so I would never invite him again. He would never attend a tea party or play outside with me. He never wanted to dance with me-even when I was willing to have my toes stepped on. I always had to beg for his attention but it never succeeded. Every day consisted of a sense of rejection.

When I was 13 years old, my father left to work across the United States. I will never forget waking up early to say my last good-byes to him. He refused to hug me. He refused to kiss me on the forehead. He refused to say he loved me; all he could say to me was, “Go back to bed.” All I wanted was his love before he left but I didn’t receive it.

“My father and mother may abandon me, but the Lord will take care of me.” // Psalm 27:10

I was always lost and looking for someone who wouldn’t reject me. I wanted to be loved and feel like someone truly cared about my heart. I kept searching, and searching, and searching. I searched in all the wrong areas which led to endless disappointments.

I made acquaintances with countless boys. I did everything I could to make at least one stick around for the rollercoaster ride – but none of them did. I was always desperate for someone to fill the gap that I felt inside. I always seemed to stumble across the boys who could charm their way with beautiful words. The result was always the same… they always changed their mind about me. They never stayed because they found someone prettier, smarter, or more convenient for them to have in their life.

I would always wonder….

Why does everyone reject me?

What is wrong with me?

Was I not loveable?

Did I do something wrong?

Was I not good enough?

Does anyone see me?

Does anyone love me?

When I was 18 years old, I found myself in a relationship with a guy that stole my heart. He seemed picture perfect. He was my fairytale prince who came to rescue me from my broken life. I found myself valuable because of him but only for a short while – because that’s what happens when you place your self-worth in another human being. I spent almost two years loving someone who didn’t really love me enough to stay. I always seemed to cause problems from my jealousy and controlling behavior. He got sick of it- or perhaps he was sick of me. He didn’t understand that I was controlling because I never could control who left and who stayed in my life. I didn’t understand that I couldn’t make someone stay , or let alone simply love me.

There were several rumors that he cheated on me and was never faithful because of his charming ways. I believed it, and sometimes I still do. He wasn’t a bad guy, but he wasn’t meant to be my knight-in-shining-armor. All I wanted was for someone to stop rejecting me. I wanted someone who wouldn’t leave me for the next girl that seemed to always catch their wandering eye. I wanted someone to fight for me for once. I was tired of fighting for every relationship because it always ended the same way. I wanted to be loved but no one could do it.

Rejection always haunted me. Rejection always whispered into my ear that no one is going to want me. Rejection loved to convince me that God doesn’t have someone planned for my story that will stay. It never failed to tell me that I will never be good enough.

I want to encourage you through my story of rejection. Rejection doesn’t have a hold on me anymore because there is someone who has never rejected me, and His name is Jesus Christ.

You see, Jesus met me in my darkest moments of deep rejection. He met with me when I felt unloved and unwanted. He met with me when suicide was always on my mind. He met with me when I was starving myself every day for several months at a time. He met with me when I was consuming alcohol every night because I wanted to numb the pain. He met me with me when I was throwing myself onto men who wanted nothing more than casual sex. He met with me when I was ready to give up on life. But one night, I was at war with rejection… I challenged God with a request that if he truly loved me like his word said then he would simply hug me so I could stop feeling empty with tears and fall asleep. I felt an embrace immediately and shortly after fell asleep. I woke up the next morning and felt an unconditional love that still leaves me breathless. No one’s hold has ever compared to the embrace that I felt that night.

Let me tell you something about rejection- he is a liar.

You are good enough.

You are lovable.

You are valuable.

You are worthy to be loved.

You are wanted.

You mean the world to someone.

God has patiently been rewiring my brain from the fear and damage of rejection. He has been patching up my wounds since my childhood. He has been teaching me to see myself the way he sees me. He has taught me so much in the midst of my rejection stories. He has been teaching me how to change my self-talk. He has been teaching me how to love myself and see how precious I am in his eyes. He has never stopped loving me even when no one would love me. He has never rejected me. He has never left me.

In the midst of my rejection, I gave my heart to the Lord after hearing this verse at church:

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken. // Psalm 34:17-20

God met with me in the midst of my brokenness. He never changed his mind, regardless of how messed up I was. He was in love with my brokenness. He loved me because I was incomplete without Him. He never stopped pursuing my heart- even when I was distracted from the pain of rejection and searching for love in the wrong people. He was there with His arms open wide – simply waiting for me to realize He would never reject me or withhold his love from me.

Sweetheart, maybe you are experiencing rejection in your life right now. I want to tell you that sometimes God allows rejection to come into your life so you can build a stronger relationship with the One who will never reject you. Sometimes, he wants you to put down what you are trying to pick up and cling to Him. I want you to know that God will never reject you. He wants you. He desires you. He sees you. And He loves you so much! Don’t let rejection fool you with his lies.

“Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.” // Ephesians 1:4

Dear Jesus,

Thank you so much for never giving up on. Thank you for your unconditional love. Thank you for the rejections in my life because I know they are redirecting my focus to you. Open my eyes to see your love for me and to never give up when life becomes difficult. I love you so much, Lord.

Amen

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5 COMMENTS
  • Grady
    2 years ago

    This is a stunning piece of work. Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable here. <3 So much truth in this!

  • Emily
    2 years ago

    What an amazing post!!! I needed this so very much as I have been struggling with rejection lately. Thank you for opening up and being so vulnerable! I’m so thankful for you and the way God is using you!!

  • Don
    2 years ago

    As your Brother in Christ, this story makes me want to just warmly embrace and hug you Sister. Thank you for witnessing about Gods unfailing love. Bless you!

  • Annie
    2 years ago

    Oh, Jen. Your story is breathtaking. Thank you, so much, for these words.

  • Lyn
    2 years ago

    Wow so good! You have a gift and a way to relate to so many. you are amazing #shoutradiance

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