Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Whispers consumed my train of thought.
I was twenty years old. The love of my life broke up with me – the one I planned on spending my life with for eternity. I couldn’t believe that he didn’t love me anymore. I knew I was imperfect but I felt worthless after he walked out my front door. I went through severe depression. I was always tiny but depression stole my appetite and 20lbs from my 90-pound body. I didn’t eat for weeks, and it wasn’t an exaggeration either. My friends’ parents began to notice and would sneakily invite me over with a banquet meal waiting for me because they knew I was sick and no longer myself. I would sit in tears as I would try to eat but I wanted nothing more than to be left alone.
Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
I came home and paced back and forth in my bedroom. My mind was complementing thoughts that I hadn’t ever experienced. I pushed my back up against the wall and sat in tears. I was convinced that I was not enough. I believed that I was purposeless and that no one loved me. I began trusting the idea that maybe taking my life would be better than going through more pain.
Pain killers couldn’t stop the pain.
Alcohol couldn’t numb me.
Nothing was helping me push through.
I no longer saw a light at the end of the tunnel.
One night, I reached into my secret compartment in hopes of finding the loaded handgun that was there in case of emergencies. I was disappointed to find that it was long gone. My parents began paying attention to my abnormal behavior and severe depression by removing any loaded opportunity from our household until I was stable mentally and emotionally again. If I needed a knife to cut my food… I had to ask because I was not trustworthy. My mom tried her best during the days and years when my dad was away to pour her love onto me as I walked through this dark and lonely path. She knew what it was like to lose someone to suicide’s tempting proposal and wanted nothing more than to lead me away from my early funeral. Night after night, I remembered hearing my mom pray for me while I was pretending to sleep. She was my prayer warrior who never stopped hoping that the Lord was going to reveal himself during my dark days.
Six months after the end of my relationship, an old friend reached out to me. I don’t think he will ever understand the significance in the timing but he suggested that I should come back to the church that he once introduced me to back in high school. I reluctantly went. I began slowly attending every Sunday. At a New Year’s Eve event, I finally opened up to a leader and asked for prayer that God would heal my depression.
Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. – James 5:16
The next morning, I woke up and made a choice. I made the choice that I would pursue joy again.
Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. – Jeremiah 17:14
Today, I am twenty-three years old and serving the Lord. I am no longer depressed or suicidal. I am more joyful and passionate than I ever thought could be possible. The Lord called me into women’s ministry when I was twenty-one years old and I am pursuing it wholeheartedly. This summer, I am graduating college with my bachelor’s degree in health science and psychology. I am furthering my education by pursuing my master’s degree in counseling focused in youth and young adults. I am free because of the name of Jesus who healed my broken soul.
It is almost hard to believe that someone who is full of joy was once depressed and contemplating suicide. I am thankful that I didn’t fall into Satan’s trap by believing that I was not loved, wanted, and purposeless. I am thankful for a relationship that came to an end because I would not be where I am if I was still with that boy. I am thankful for a God who protected me even through the darkest moments of sin and pain.
He heals the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds. – Psalm 147:3
If you have experienced depression or thoughts of suicide… I want you to know that you can overcome the pain that you’re experiencing.
You are MORE THAN ENOUGH.
You are LOVED.
You are WANTED.
You have PURPOSE.
There is more to life than what you’re feeling right now.
There is JOY and FREEDOM.
You can LOVE life again!
You will OVERCOME these emotions and feelings. You will stand VICTORIOUS because God has a plan for your life. Your story may be part of a greater testimony to help others come to know Jesus Christ.
He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” – Mark 5:34